Life is a game - Negotiation Tactics

"Claudia hates games" - fun fact about me. Games can be defined as competitive activities with relatively low stakes that are undertaken with family/friends/loved ones to pass the time, generally people either win or lose. Why I don't like games basically boils down to my opinion that life is the only game worth playing and everything else isn't a productive use of time. Harsh opinion I know, but that's not the point of this post. To me, life is not a zero-sum, black and white game like Life or Monopoly but rather an increasingly complex one with various actors and matters at stake. In order to "win" it's not just what you want, it's what they want, what's best overall and what's feasible. Life is such a fascinating game to play,so many lessons to learn, people to talk to, experiences to have, perspectives to see all fueling the quest for a more equal world - Monopoly can honestly never compete.

So if life is a game then how do we play it? Well, I think we play it every day in our daily interactions. Think about who you are as a person - filled with a million hopes, dreams, thoughts, ideals etc. Can anyone ever replicate your exact mode of thinking? Probably not. And that's how the other 8 billion people in the world are too. Thus, whenever you're talking to someone keep in mind that they have a vastly different perspective and thought process than you do, whatever the interaction may be. Further, we're all human and we're all emotional. Our experience fuel our emotions which fuel our feelings which fuel our actions. So instead of trying to just be stone cold during a stressful negotiation, let's use emotions positively and realize that we're all dealing with people. Multifaceted, multidimensional people - people whose mind's can be changed, whose perspectives can be opened, who do have the ability for emotion and rationality. Probably the biggest step in negotiation is realizing that whoever you are negotiating with isn't "out to get you" or completely against you. They just have different interests, perspectives and objectives than you do. But if you're talking at all then there's probably some shared ground to start working with.

Let's start with some examples of negotiations, then move towards two basic frame works and finish by revisiting the examples and giving general tips. All of the info is from the book Getting to Yes! and Beyond Reason - Using Emotions as you Negotiate. Keep in mind that negotiation is not manipulation - do not view anything in this post as manipulating or using people because beyond the high levels of moral wrong it just won't work out for you. End says why.

Ex 1: You're a single mom, it's -20 degrees outside, your 10 year old is still upset about the divorce and won't put on her jacket to go to school. You can play the power card and force her to do it, you can try to rationalize with her that it's cold/ school is important, you can try to do a lot of things. If you don't force her to put on the jacket and physically carry her to the car - then you are engaging in some sort of negotiation with the child.

Ex 2: You're the president of Ecuador, you just got elected 4 days ago. Your country is pretty volatile in general and right now they're heated over the issue of a territory on the border of Peru and Ecuador. Ecuador has overthrown four presidents for failing to solve this issue. International peace keepers have ruled that it's technically Peru's. Now what? This is a classic and real example of international diplomacy - which is all about negotiation.

Ex 3: You're a 26 year old female lawyer, you just started working at the firm and you have been asked to close a deal with an opposing company. You get to the meeting room 30 minutes before to prepare. A senior male lawyer comes in, throws his briefcase down and asks you for a cup of coffee. Lawyer's deal a lot with negotiation but what about this case? We have age and sex dynamics at play here.

Negotiation comes in all shapes and sizes, let's take a look at some frame works.

This first framework is really helpful in doing before you begin a negotiation and while it's actually happening.

1. Relationship - if you're interacting at all then you have some sort of relationship. It doesn't mean you have to stick to this one, rather enhancing a relationship and becoming friends rather than colleagues can do a lot so each party can understand the other's perspective. Be sure that you're both clear on the relationship you have though - things can get awkward if I think I'm your friend and you view me as just someone you have to interview.

2. Communication - if it sounds like you're just saying the same stuff over and over again and it's not going through, then it's probably not. Listening is an active art not a passive one. Take in each word that the other party is saying and look towards body language keys. If you're getting frustrated, reciprocate. "Okay, what do you think I'm saying?" the answer may surprise you and inspire you to change your method of explanation.

3. Interests - this is probably the biggest takeaway for me, get your interests clear before any negotiation. Know why you're doing something. Then learn their interests - which are in common and which conflict.

4. Options - Brainstorm options. Be creative here. If a problem is complex then it helps to set a rule at the beginning of a brainstorming meeting like "no idea is wrong, let's be as creative as possible" or " I'd really like us to discuss all the possible options we have before committing to anything" that way nothing is set in stone and people feel more free to just let loose. Creativity is undervalued but so very important in negotiations - there's a reason the world isn't run by robots yet - aside from not high enough AI capabilities - it's because humans are incredibly creative at developing solutions to their own problems.

5. Criteria of fairness - so what if they're just being unfair? What if they have a million dollars and you have zero. Well you might have to walk away, but before you do try settling on a criteria of fairness that you both agree to. This can be supported by previous research (like case studies, protocols, laws) on the topic you are discussing. Once you come to this conclusion you know what the limits are and what a solution should look like so you can move towards that. This is a tricky one so I'll give a quick example. If I'm 22 and want the government to give me a piece of land to build a hospital instead of saying that they're not doing their job in the first place and that's why I'm here - I can try saying something like "I'd really love it if you gave me this piece of land, considering that by law there is supposed to be a clinic here. Further, this action wouldn't be unprecedented since just last year you gave a plot of land to a similar NGO who did fantastic work." Appealing to science, precedents or law works pretty well since they are facts.

6. BANTA - Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. What if it doesn't work out? What if they want you too make too many concessions that it's just not worth it? Consider what's the best back up plan you have. If it's a good back up plan you can consider sharing it with whoever your talking to. The point isn't to blackmail or manipulate them - it's just so they know the situation to it's full extent. Ultimately, it might help you more than it helps them but it's still informative. If I can partner with companies A, B or C and decided to first ask company A because I'm going in alphabetical order and no other reason then they should know that I have companies B and C as strong options. Having a strong back up increases the legitimacy of whatever you are asking for, it demonstrates that other people are willing to have this conversation with you. That what you are asking for is reasonable and that you are not desperate to settle with them. However, if you do not have a strong back up - then think before you share it. Because that will definitely weaken your chances of realizing your full intentions and objectives. If your options are partnering with A and then no one else, then maybe keep that to yourself since that will make A less likely to concede on points.

7. Commitment - what kinds of things are you willing to commit to make this happen? What kinds of things do you want the other side to commit? Commitments are things you will actually do and do well. It doesn't mean you have to enjoy them - sometimes they maybe to please the other side but if you commit then you need to carry through.

Frame work 2: Core Concerns. These are concerns that we all have during a negotiation. Sometimes they are not obvious but they can definitely trigger emotional responses, so try to keep them in mind during a negotiation and run through them afterwards by yourself or with your team to decide how things went.

1. Appreciation - feeling understood, heard and valued. Goes both ways, did they do it to you? Did you give it back?

2. Affiliation - how were you treated? Adversary, friend, colleague, collaborator, partner, etc. One of Evo Morales (Bolivian president) big promise to Bolivia upon his election was "we want partners not masters." How you treat people is key.

3. Autonomy - the ability to carry out your role by yourself. Don't tell other people what to do or put them in a box. If you're in a negotiation with someone, analyze the playing field first before giving directions.

4. Status - this elevates our own esteem and how people view us. It's based on a variety of things like: talent, education, social class, etc. High status adds weight to our opinions, sometimes it makes sense. If I'm a famous cardiovascular surgeon then maybe you should do well to heed my advice on your heart pains but you probably shouldn't care to much about who I think will win the superbowl. Everyone has different levels of status in different things. If you're negotiating with someone who has higher status than you then it's okay to show it. " I really appreciate the fact that you've devoted the past 25 years of your life to solving this problem, I understand I've only been here for 2 weeks and am looking forward to learning more about your perspective to ease our mutual conflict." It's only saying the truth. Don't be afraid of someone who you think "knows more than you" - once again, there's a reason you're both talking and in the same room. It's because you guys are the ones who are going to do the negotiating. Another thing to keep in mind is that you will forever have the highest status in knowing what your interests and objectives are. "The other side" won't - they don't know how far you'll concede or what you're going to do. You're the captain of your own ship and no matter how cheesy that's incredibly powerful!

5. Role - what's your role here and was it satisfied and/or broadened? As humans we have many different roles and facets for our different subsets of life. Generally in order to matter a role does three things: has a clear purpose, is personally meaningful and is not a pretense. The last one means - you're not pretending in this role, you're actually living the life you want to live. We can generally broaden our role by asking for someone else's advice or taking a different perspective. If we're talking about starting an international war maybe we can change our role as opposing countries and talk about how to raise our grandchildren. Lightening the mood, changing our role to grandparents, increasing our relationship and making us both more likely to be willing to listen to a more peaceful solution.

There are a wide variety of examples that you'll come across in life where you can use these two frameworks and like I said take a look at those books if you want more information. But to finish off let's go back to the examples and analyze them a bit more to see how we can negotiate.

1. You're the mom, she's the child. Relationship & role. She's upset - why? Communicate. Finding the cause of the emotional turmoil is the first step. Divorce. Does she understand the divorce? Is she mad at you? Does she blame you for it? Is she just sad? Is she doing this to get attention? Are there other problems at school? So many questions. Talk to your child about why she is upset. Perhaps this is the only form of protest she has to show - as a 10 year old child her autonomy is limited. Here since it's a pretty emotional situation, it's best to focus on her feelings rather than her emotions. We can feel like we are not be respected and this can come with emotions of sadness, anger, anxiety, etc so instead of wading through those, focus on big picture. Sure, sometimes we don't have time for this but in your role as the parent, someone who probably loves and cares for this child it's in your best interest to figure out the underlying distress to be able to better meet your objective of raising a healthy and happy child. For this, you need to be committed to having a conversation with your child. Maybe you can't talk now and have to resort to your BANTA - using force now but talking in the evening when you can give her the time and attention she desires.

2. As the president of Ecuador you have a high amount of status, and your interests lie in keeping your people happy and solving the problem. However, you've only been in office for 4 days and the President of Peru has been in office for 20 years and dealt with 4 of your predecessors. First let's acknowledge that he knows more international diplomacy than you do - say that and appeal to him, ask for his advice or what he has seen that's worked in similar situations. Knowledge is power and if he's willing to share his with you then that's awesome. His interests are arguable keeping the land for Peru, but he probably wants to see the conflict end as well. Thus, you both have two clear roles here - representatives of a country and colleagues who want to resolve an age old dispute. Since this is a tricky issue and you know nothing about this man let's start by getting to know him - build a better relationship talk about your family, life, not this stress inducing conflict. Next would be the criteria of fairness find some international third party to rule on this - too late you already did that and it doesn't matter because Ecuadorians will hang you if you give this land to Peru. Now, let's get creative - options motivated by the BANTA. The BANTA here is going to war - again. No one wants that. Okay we both want the land, no one wants to go to war, we're listening to each other through open communication, we're respecting each other's status and roles. This negotiation was pretty complex so I'll sum it up in saying that they agreed to make the disputed land an international conservation park - which is awesome, creative and was liked by both of the countries. Sad that the Ecuadorian president was still ousted by a coup because my country is just politically wild - but still, strong wins for him here.

3. You feel upset that this old guy asked you to get coffee. Why? You view your status as equals - you're both lawyers who were well respected enough to get put on this deal together. Your role is a highly competent professional, not a barista at Starbucks. Your autonomy is threatened by someone telling you what to do - life would be different if you had offered to get the coffee. Great. Now we know why you're upset. Let's not assume anything about the other guy - because we really know nothing. Maybe he was told that there was a secretary in the office who would assist him, maybe he didn't know who you were, a million maybe's. Getting angry won't do anything productive. It'll destroy your currently non-existent relationship and make the next couple of weeks really difficult to work through. A bad relationship leads to decreased communication. Now, remember why you're both there. You both have interests to your companies to meet and you both need to think of options. We can use that same mindset to enhance your own autonomy, increase your status to what you want it to be, fulfill your role, get the affiliation of colleague that you want and increase his appreciation for you. Response: "Hi I'm Jan, I'm representing company A, coffee sounds like a great idea I can definitely make us some, would you mind toasting some bagels to go along side with it? Since we're both here early maybe we can start by laying out what each of our interests and objectives are?" In this response, you communicate who you are, that you are an equal, take back your autonomy by turning the coffee suggestion into something you support, allocate equal responsibility for making a decent breakfast meal by asking him to toast the bagel and making it clear that both of your roles are as lawyers to represent your companies.

Each example uses some but not all of the two frame works - because they're just snippets and summaries of the entire interactions.

Now let's move to general tips I have.

Be sincere. In life, be sincere. Don't just say things to say them, say them because you mean it. People have a pretty good idea of when they're being appeased and when they're actually being empathized with/ related to. Sincerity is something that you can't fake and that you shouldn't fake. If you're a big hotel manager don't just say "good job" every day to your maids, really take the time to mean it and show it. Because without them - you're going to be the ones making the bed. Realize that if you are in a negotiation with someone then they probably hold some sort of meaning to you.

Apologize. Probably the biggest impact, lowest risk thing you can do. It doesn't mean you have to "admit your wrong" or devalue yourself. It's an extremely powerful thing to do because it recognizes the other's thoughts/feelings. "I'm sorry my actions made you feel that way, in the future I'll take 123 steps to avoid this situation, let me know if that sounds okay/ if you have any suggestions?" Once again, if you're in this negotiation one of your interests is probably that it go well and if you're upsetting the person, that's just deteriorating your relationship and making it all the more difficult to work with. So apologize, figure out what's wrong and rebuild.

Recognize Emotions. We all have them - read the emotional intelligence post for more on how to manage them. But develop a mastery over them and when they start to impede your ability to listen to the other party or communicate what you want figure out a way to calm them. Take 3 deep breaths, Count backwards from 10. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Suggest for a mutual break. Whatever you need to come back with a clear head. If you're emotional and frustrated chances are they are too so it'll be beneficial overall.

Use Emotions. Not to manipulate but to convey meaning. Why are you sitting down at this meeting? If it's because you really, truly believe in what we're talking about/ the cause/ purpose/ etc then express that to the opposing party in a controlled manner. If you can't control it then try expressing them first to a neutral third party who can give you valuable perspective.

Routine. We can't establish a routine for every daily negotiation we have but we can for big ones. Before your big meeting or interview or event take some time to prepare. Go through your 7 elements from your perspective and from theirs. Go through your 5 core concerns and develop strategies to keep them in place.

Don't expect the worst. This is just something that doesn't make sense to me. If you have never personally met the other party and discussed this specific matter with them before - then don't assume that they are some sort of negative monster. You have no idea. Be open to communication and have a strategy prepared. There's no point in assuming the worst because that just deteriorates your relationship before it starts - you won't be willing to listen to them and the might feel insulted that you placed them in this role of an "opposer" when they saw themselves differently. Instead of letting them show you who they were, you took away their autonomy and placed them in a box.

So those are my big tips for negotiation - the frameworks are really helpful and good to use. But once again just be honest, remember we're all people, there's a reason you're both in the room and most importantly - don't try to manipulate. This isn't some board game where you use plastic toys for pawns. This is life, where, in order to reach an equal compromise - both parties need to be respected and heard. Follow the guidelines and let me know how it goes!

PS: Above is a picture of one of the most recent negotiations I used the above tactics for. It was to close a deal with Fundacion Nuqanchik with Refresh Bolivia. Through open communication, where we both expressed appreciation for one another's different areas of status we were able to work together. Refresh Bolivia committed to help them on infrastructure and give them all the knowledge we can on developing health interventions. They promised to recognize us as partners and always keep an open ear for any projects we want to implement. Meets our interest of providing our knowledge/ resources to those who don't have it, acknowledges with our role as a foreign NGO that can't possibly understand the daily realities of communities we only visit twice a year, by not giving us the power to implement whatever interventions we think is best. Meets their interest of being able to provide better informed and resourced help to the community. Meets both of our overall missions of wanting to create a more equal world - specifically in the field of health in la zona sur de Cochabamba.